Wednesday, January 10, 2007

My hiatus

Dear Sam and Sophie (and blog readers),

To those of you who check this little blog regularly, hoping for news of our adoption, I apologize for my long absence. As you know from my last hiatus, when I am struggling with bad news about all this, I begin to get depressed. That in turn makes me want to think about anything but this, so the last thing I want to do is chronicle the bad news and my depression here. This has become my way of coping: to try not to think about it. So far, it's been working. I haven't jumped out the window or killed my husband in a fit of anxious rage.

Last night, a good friend who asked how our adoption is going got my standard "not well" reply and then an explanation of why I feel the need to not think about it and try to build a little protective shell around my heart so it doesn't get smashed to smithereens. She tried to argue that that strategy, while helpful in the short term (and maybe even necessary for my mental health), could be counterproductive in the long term, since if you're closed rather than open to love, pain, etc., you tend to bring bad energy to yourself (which I believe) and this bad energy could be prolonging the wait.

For over an hour, I argued with her that she didn't know how bad this was, and that I couldn't open myself up anymore even if I wanted to. My body and psyche seem to have gone into protective mode, and the little voice inside me, which I trust to be the Spirit, is saying, "Just hold on. That's all you need to do." The problem is, and I think this friend (you know who are) was saying that staying in that mode (just holding on, not risking vulnerability, building a little protective wall around yourself) may be OK and necessary in the short term, but it's not a mode you want to be in for any length of time. And I've been there for too many months now (with only a short break at the end of October when our agency got licensed, but which unfortunately was followed with more not-so-good news).

Now, I'm not ready to knock down my protective wall, but I know there is wisdom in my friend's advice. Not to mention that she was echoing something my best friend (you know who you are) said to me several months ago. So, in some small concession to the need to be a wee bit more open, I am going to commit to blogging about this once again. It's a tiny "opening" that I feel comfortable taking on at this point.

So, here I am. And here's the news:

Our paperwork for Sam's adoption was finally logged in on January 2. We finished it before Thanksgiving, but it took almost three weeks to be authenticated in Washington D.C. (this is with our agency paying extra for expiditing), which is insane. The file was sent to Vietnam on December 15, but because of the meetings there, it couldn't get logged in before Christmas, then couldn't get logged in during Christmas, then couldn't get logged in after Christmas because people weren't there. So something that should have taken two weeks max took almost two months. This is the story of our Vietnam adoption in a nutshell. It's no one's fault necessarily, but we just can't seem to cut a break.

This late login combined with the changes in Vietnam adoptions (more about that in a later post) means that our referral and travel dates are very much a crapshoot. Normally, we would expect to have our referral in less than two months and to travel two months after that. Now, who knows? It could be quick or it could be quite long. And I won't even get into how this may affect our China adoption. (That's a whole 'nother post, too.)

I'm no longer making predictions, but I will venture this: If we went to Vietnam before late March/early April, it would be a miracle. It's still in the realm of possiblity, but not very probable. We will know more after a conversaton with our agency that is supposed to happen next week sometime.

Meanwhile, thanks to Kate and Karen for their tough love, and to all of you who read this and who pray that Ed and I will become parents someday. I'll end with this piece of inspiration I found on someone else's email (can't remember who). I included it with our Christmas letter this year: "We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through." I am trying to believe that there is some meaning in all this. I just haven't figured it out yet. And I'm not really ready to go there yet. Baby steps...

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

OK...so my email almost gave you a heartattack and then I ask about your referral?? Sorry....

The only advice I can give is to trust that the timing will be perfect. I may have told you before..but our 171 for our first adoption took 2 months longer than it should have..I was upset to say the least. Now, looking back..which is always easier than being in the moment..I realize that if it had come "on time" Annslee's file would not have been in the matching room at the same time as ours. To think of that is unimaginable at this point. I am now so thankful for that 2 month delay : )

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. I am clinging by my fingertips myself, what with the wait and all. Thanks for your comment on my blog, and do know that I am not at all upset with PAP's who chose/needed to switch to Vietnam because of China's long wait and new rules. We are all in this together, right? Hopefully we both have brighter days ahead!

Anonymous said...

I have found the all the timelines we think will happen don't and no, it doesn't make it any easier. And your agency isn't the only one....my dossier was sent to Vietnam on Nov. 28 (already authenticated) and just got logged in this week! I have my referral and am being given a time of 3-4 months until travel. This may make you more upset to hear, but realize that the time frames given are almost never correct! In the end, it will work out....

mom23 said...

Hi Heidi-
I am the Jena that you just emailed about slings, I used to blog Isaiah 45, and then I realized that blogging was making my anxiety about the adoption worse.....
So no longer blog, but I do read them, and I love your's.

I'll be praying that the Spirit will speak truth to you in this time and that the Spirit will be your protection from anxiety/depression and heartbreak.

Jena

Heather said...

I know, and understand what you are saying. Each day is a new step - and each one that you take will continue to plod along until you finally get there. None of this adoption thing happens when we expect it to - it makes it really hard to believe in the outcome. Open or closed, you aren't alone - we're here waiting with you.

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